- I miss him so much.. And it hurts. I wonder if he even misses me.. Thinks about me.. Wanting to talk to me.. But I need to give him space.. I miss his comfort and company. Im so used to it, for 2 freaking years. Call me stupid.. Pathetic.. Or weak.. but I don't want no one else. I want him. And only him. I love him so much that it hurts.. I'm making this harder for me than it should be. But fuck. I just want to give up. But I also want to fight for him.. I can't move on. I can't. I just can't. I don't think time will heal this at all. I crave for him. So badly. I want to be in his arms.. Cuddling.. Playing with my hair and touching my face softly while looking at me.. Saying he loves me.. And kisses me... I miss his kisses. Voice. Hugs. Comfort. Eyes. Lips. Laugh. Smile. Just everything about him. It hurts so so much.. I'm so weak and pathetic.. I can't love without him.. I just don't ever want to lose him completely. But I did.. What did I do wrong.. I know I'm not perfect.. But I surely do love him and still do after these 2 years.. And yet he ends it just like that. Like crumbling a paper up into a ball and throw it in the trash can. Just that easy. Was I not special to you? Did you even love me? So many unanswered question.. I just.. Why.. Why me. Why does this have to happen. I wish we were still together.. I would've been in bed doing my homework or watching Netflix watching Dexter while I'm still talking to you and text you and say cute things to you.. But fuck.. It's been like 4 days.. And it's getting harder and harder.. I don't know how much I can go through this.. I just want to die.. I don't want to feel this pain no more. I just want him. I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart and I hope he knows that. He was so perfect for me.. I just want to text, call, or webcam with him but he'll just ignore my calls.. He's avoiding me.. Doesn't want to see my crying sore face.. Doesn't want to hear my voice tremble as I try to convince him to stay with me and we'll be happy.. To make effort and fight for it and go through it like we used. We had very tough arguments and situation we went through.. We would always fix them. Always. But this time.. He was done. He couldn't take it anymore.. He gave up on us.. On me.. And I'm the only person he can count on for a shoulder to cry or support and he would be mine.. But fuck. I want to cry and scream. All day. And I fucking. Hate. It. I wish we can be together right now. I wish I was cuddling with him.. I wonder if he even thinks about me when he lies down in his bed.. While there might be my scent and trails of thoughts or a image of me pops up in his mind... I wonder if he kept the drawing I made for him that's on his wall that he would always look at and probably smile and loved to see.. I wonder if you deleted my pictures id send you of.. I wonder if you still have my texts.. My number.. Etc.. What I do know is that he has my heart. And broke it. Making me go through this.. Being selfish and not trying to talk to me about it or fix it and even fucking hiding from me. I saw you in the hallway and you didn't even look at me. You easily just walked past by through me.. Was I THAT easy to get rid of and forget!? Huh!? Fuck you. Fuck. You. I hate you so much. Yet I fucking love you. 2 years with you and NOW you say you don't see a future with me? FUCK. YOU. I know you're so stress with school and about the SAT scores, drama, and martial arts etc. I know I didn't help to complain or nag about how busy you were for me or not support you and I KNOW that's so awful of me to do that and selfish and etc.. But fuck.. I'm sorry I wasn't the best gf for you.. I still want you.. I don't want to see you with another girl.. I want to be yours forever.. Please come back to me.. I miss you soo much. This is your senior year and I won't be there with you for prom and when you graduate. I wanted to see you graduate and smile and cry while you succeed and give you a big ass hug and kisses and congrats you for it. But now.. Someone could take that spot from me and inside it KILLS me to imagine or see that.. I just..-sigh- I miss you so much. Everything is not the same.. It's taking a big toll on me and idk how to deal with this. I need you in my life. I miss you so much. I fucking love you. I don't want someone else. I want you. I don't want to go through that whole trusting and getting to know a person.. I want you. You know me inside and out. You knew me so fucking well. But how can you do this to me? While you should fucking KNOW how I felt when you said all this shit to me. Why did you do this to me. Why. I wonder if you even cried for me. Or miss me. I really wonder. I wonder when you'll talk to me.. Or be together with me.. Because I miss you so.. So.. So.. Much..
Nov 12th 2013